Friday, January 10, 2014


       Tonight as I sit up and write I'm lost. I'm lost as far as where to begin. Life has been everything but calm lately and it's bitter sweet for me. I'm feeling overwhelmed, crazy busy, tired, happy, loved but also lonely. I'm not exactly sure how I can feel all of these emotions at once but I certainly am...the holidays had us running all over the place (I've realized that's what happens once you have a baby and a family). The new year has brought craziness like you wouldn't believe and I feel like I have neglected my blog which in turn has made me build up all these emotions instead of releasing them in this cyber world for you all to read :) 

1) exhausted - I need to sleep for an entire day to catch up but clearly that's not possible with a now toddler running around all day long. Who by the way is trying to cut napping completely out of her schedule... 

2) happy - Ellie is now 17 months old! I cannot believe that I have an almost 1 1/2 year old!! So insane! She is the most incredible thing to ever come into my life. She is running, talking up a storm, using the toilet on a daily basis, nursing like a champ, and bossing me and her daddy around all day long! We love our sassy little rascal!

3) lonely - I miss my mom. End of story. I wish she lived closer. I wish we saw her more than once a month. There is just something about her being in town that makes me feel at peace. Eventually we will live in the same town, until then I will have to be content with FaceTime. 

4) loved - Nicholas Jaymes continues to love me unconditionally even on days when I'm a brat. He is the most caring playful charming daddy I could have ever hand picked to father our child. To watch him grow as a dad everyday with elliana is the greatest thing I will ever witness and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him watching him father many more of our babies!

5) accomplished - I started running a few weeks ago and have been amazed that I have stuck with it. I hate it before I go for a run but by the time I finish I feel like I have just completed the Olympics. I have reached more personal goals in the past few weeks as far as health and nutrition go and I am thrilled about it. My goal in 2014 is to train for a marathon. I might not run it by the end of the year but I will definitely begin training this year! A half marathon will definitely be completed by me by the end of 2014 though! 

6) here comes the bitter sweet part - I have had a very heavy heart lately and i can't exactly put my finger on it in order to try mending it. It frustrates me when I don't know why I'm upset or what has happened that has made my heart feel so heavy but in the last two days it has been bad. Tonight I laid in bed nursing elliana, staring at her little curls in the dark, tickling her back and watching her eyes grow heavy to sleep and I realized... I'm done fighting this feeling...I'm surrendering all of these negative thoughts. All of my unknown heartache. All of these negative emotions. White flagged raised. I am handing all of this over to god and letting him sort it out. It's obviously too much for me because I haven't been able to figure it out so I'm done trying. There it is. I have too much to be grateful for to let negative feelings take over my day. Too many beautiful people that love me. Too many cute toddler smiles that make me laugh everyday and an incredible fiancé who loves me more and more than I probably deserve at some points. This life is too short for all that nonsense. I love you guys and hope you go to bed tonight thankful for the people and babies you have in your life that make you smile! 



                                     Here are some pictures from our crazy life lately :))



(Found this on nicks phone from a few mornings ago and it melts my heart every time I look at it. Who knew someone could ever love another person this much && how could I not be beyond grateful!)  

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there sweet mama! I know it's been a few months since this post, but I know oh too well how these are on-going feelings that we have as moms! You are beautiful for sharing and beautiful for being so strong for your girl.